Wednesday, February 28, 2007

INTERVIEW BY ONE "MR. SKIN"

Mr. Skin's website is about movies that show vag, or "celebrating nudity in film" as he more eloquently puts it. Was I ever known for my eloquence?

In this link, he also celebrates Jessica Delfino (me), sort of, in a way, but you might wonder just what kind of celebrating is going on when you see that grotesque photo of me. My bf says it's hot. I think he also is into mentally ill/retarded chicks.

http://www.mrskin.com/Skinterviews/169/index.htm

Monday, February 26, 2007

Tonite:

Christopher X. Brodeur's
NIGHT OF A SHITLOAD OF STARS!
February 26, 2007. bowery poetry club, 308 Bowery
8 PM - $5 sugg donation

TONITE'S TENTATIVE MENU:

HOSTS: EPSTEIN & HASSAN, "The Black & the Jew"

MISS SATURN! [wacky hoopster virtuoso!]
ERIC WALTON! [master mentalist / magician!]
BOB POWERS! [cuddly sourpuss writer!]
BRER BRIAN! [clever songwriting/guitaring wizard!]
a short film by NEAL MEDLYN! [sexy weirdo!]
CHRISTINE! [world's worst lipsyncer!]
SHANIMAL! [beautiful oldtimey sounds]
JULZ-A! [accordion art- rock!]
TOUCHING YOU! [more jail songs!]
MORMON SURPRISE! aka MIKE AMATO [world's best lipsyncer?]
BOHEMAPHILIA! [HPussy spin off! Morbid Poems & Mysterious Guitar!]
JESSICA DELFINO! [debuting her new hit single responding to the Catholic League attacking her!]

...and more?

NEXT N.o.a.S.S. the last Monday in March and April.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

TODAY'S TOPIC: HUGE NUTS

The only other man I've seen with a sack this ginormous has been naked poet Tommy D, who it has been rumored has elephantitis of the nut sack. Rachel Kramer Bussel wrote an article about the recent Naked Comedy Show at The Pit. I'd been invited to go by the producers but I couldn't make it -- thank god! And a note to Rachel and anyone who reads this article about the Naked Comedy Show and Tommy D -- the white "mysterious" fluid -- is it really so mysterious what that was? Do I need to have you over here for a sex-ed fresh up, Rachel?


I wonder if Michael Jackson will purchase his remains?

The sneakers are the best part.

NOTE: His nuts are literally huge, though they have shrunken from how small they had been. I don't know whether to cheer or jeer NY Magazine for blurring Tommy's ding a ling. His nuts are so vast that his penis is almost not visable. It's really a thing of amazement. Tommy D should be an exhibit in a museum. I hope he donates his body to science.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

OPPORTUNITIES

This is what people come to NYC for, right, god darn it? Opportunities. Are you going to find opportunities in West Bend, Virginia? I don't think so, because I just made that town up.

If you're looking for some opportunities, look no further. Well, I mean, no further than as far as you'll be looking when you click on the links below.

OPPORTUNITY FOR DANCERS

OPPORTUNITY FOR ARTISTS / WRITERS

OPPORTUNITY FOR A JEWISH GIRL

OPPORTUNITY FOR A MENTALLY ILL COMIC ILLUSTRATOR

OPPORTUNITY FOR SECULAR HUMANISTS (bottom of page)

OPPORTUNITY FOR BICYCLE LOVERS & FILM MAKERS

OPPORTUNITY FOR MUSICIANS

And finally, my final opportunity for this blog entry:

A CONVERSATION STARTER FOR MEN WHO WANT TO DATE CHINESE WOMEN

Now, get out there and be an opportunist!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


DID YOU KNOW THAT DELFINO IS ON I-TUNES?
aka
MY GOLD SUIT IS GONE!

You can't buy Led Zeppelin on I-tunes, but you can buy Jessica Delfino.

And since I left my signature gold suit in a taxi cab
last Friday night, I could use some cheering up.

I never take taxi cabs - I hate them - I only took one because
I was late and it was cold. Excuses! I always ride my bike. I was
on my way to Galapagos in Brooklyn for the play I was in, "Little Building".
I gave the driver directions, "N. 6th and Berry, please!",
and fell into a hypnotic taxi-relaxi state. When I looked up,
we were at N. 12th. "Hey!" I stammered, busting out of my head trip.
"N. 6th, man!" He turned that fancy Toyota SUV cab right around
and we sat in yuppie traffic for an extra $4. "Do I get a
discount on the ride since you screwed up the address?" I asked.
"Your fault!" he screamed at me in his clunky foreign accented
english. "Fine," I conceded, and handed him the pay.
I gave him a $2.30 tip, not the .30 cent tip that
crossed my mind. I scampered out of the taxi, steamed at the
thoughtlessness of the driver, and as it pulled away,
I had that nagging feeling in my head: "I feel like I'm forgetting something."

Five minutes later, I howled in distress when I
realized what it had been: my signature gold suit!

This awful photo shows me in my glorious signature gold suit. Notice how maniacal my hair looks and how pink my cheeks are? That's because I had just gotten off stage after full-throttle dirty folk rocking an audience at The Anti-Mall in NC, on my "Merry Shitmas" tour.

It had been beside me on two hangers, just back
from the dry cleaner. It's not replaceable. It was a sample
from the line Mille K in Denmark. A gold lame jacked and a
gold lame skirt, each on a separate hanger. I shouldn't have even
been able to own the suit. It was a very expensive ensemble,
that had been given to me as a gift after no one else wanted to
buy it. I mean, who the hell wears a matching gold lame suit? I'd
marveled at the amazing work the dry cleaner had done. It had been
littered with black permanent marker spots when my drunken boyfriend
had absent-mindedly flung a knock-off Sharpie "Sharpei" marker in
my direction. That dry cleaner had removed every single black spot.
I guess those markers aren't so permanent after all.

I called 311, the taxi commission and all that shit, but that suit was
so beautiful, it is certainly gone, gone, gone forever. Some gay man
squeezed his skinny little ass into that gold skirt and
is wearing my suit right now.

On the slim, strange chance that someone found the suit
and is googling lost, gold suit, and comes across this post, I am
offering a cash reward for the suit.

I also lost my digital camera in a taxi three years ago,
never to be seen again.

FUCK TAXIS!

The moral of the story: Never take a taxi. Always ride your bike.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


IF WOMEN WERE IN CHARGE, THERE WOULD BE WARS OVER SHOES

One look at those ruby slippers, and you can see why.
These are my favorite shoes in the world. Look at how they sparkle.
I don't know if I'd start a war over them, but I might be tempted by the
devil to do something naughty for them.

The famous ruby red slippers, made famous in "The Wizard Of Oz"
(worn by Dorothy Gale (Judy Garland) as she gallivanted to Oz)
are on display at The National Air & Space Museum as part of the
Smithsonian Institute / National History Museum. They are there
along with the scarecrow outfit -- maybe in the hopes it will scare
away any sticky fingered young dirty folk rock song singers.

Try as I did, I couldn't find any similar ruby slippers on Amazon.com.
But I did find a cute inspired knock-off pair of flats.I also like them in gold.

If any philanthropists or wealthy fans are paying attention
to my Amazon wish list, these shoes will inspire good art in me.

If you think red sparkly shoes are too frivilous,
how about a Parker fly guitar instead?

My Amazon.com Wish List

NOTE: The title of this blog entry was borrowed by musician,
Touching You.
It's one of his many funny song titles.

Monday, February 19, 2007

RELATED??

Ever heard of Peter Gault & Amy Rachelle? Here's a song of theirs, called "Cosmic Vagina". I may be related to these people, because I'm from Vagina, too.

When I was a fresh new teen, my mom bought a store in Virginia. I stayed there with her for the summer. It was the worst summer of my life. We had an out door shower, so while we bathed, vultures circled over our heads and spiders watched my nubile young breasts grow. It was also very hot and I had a lot of old, poor suitors. I have always thought that the word "Virginia" is like the word "Vagina". Maybe that is why their bumper stickers say, "Virginia is for lovers." Maybe it was a typo.

Anyway, y'all know how much I like vagina stuff, and how I have a lot of songs about vaginas, so, thanks for sending me vagina links, and keep 'em coming!

COSMIC VAGINA by Peter Gault / Amy Rochelle

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Vagina Institute

I'm a bit perplexed by this site. Upon first glance, it looks like a corny coven of clitoral caretakers. But after further investigation and using the detective skills I fine-tuned as a hot, high-school sleuth, it seems as though this might actually be the website of a plastic surgeon outfit, posing as a concerned, interested bevy of babes. It might not even be a plastic surgeon. It might just be some dude. Named Frank. But there is a lot of talk on the site about what makes a vagina pretty, and what makes a vagina ugly, as well as links to corrective surgery people. Though I'm a fan of conversation regarding ugly and pretty vaginas, I have a bit of trouble with
the concept of an ugly vagina. I mean, aren't all vaginas kind of hot, just by their nature? As with the age old penis conundrum, "Does size matter?", don't we have it's female counter"part", "Do looks matter?"

In addition, there are some very sexy, almost bordering on "pornographic" photos of vaginas on the site, and a plea for women to send photos of their poonies in for a free consultation of whether it's pretty or not. So, in a single file line, bust out your beavers, ladies, and don't forget to say "cheese!"

In case you're seriously considering sending a bug shot to these folks, I do not recommend you do so until I can find out further information about their intentions. I mean, there's like, NOTHING about it on Wikipedia, so how legit could it be? Sha! Fffff!

I like the name, though. Vagina Institute. It sounds like it could be the name of my next band.

www.vaginainstitute.com

Friday, February 16, 2007


HAVE YOU EVER HEARD YOUR SONG ON THE RADIO?

Yesterday, I got a little taste of radio play when my band, HAUNTED PUSSY had a song broadcast on college radio station WNYU, New York University's radio station - 89.1 FM.

THE OFFICIAL SCORE:

FCC: zero. Histrionic fear-metal: one.

Way to go, team ghost-rape!





Clockwise from right: HP's guitar-magician Mr. Brooke Shields, (no relation), Lead histrionics Bilge Byron, Ghost Narrator, Bilge "Magic Poonon" Baron.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Echidne Of The Snakes

According to mythology, Echidna was a half super-hot face-and-torsoed nymph, half hideous-serpent-bodied woman, best known for kicking the asses of the Olympians and then getting her snake-ass handed back to her by Zeus, who sealed her boy toy up in the earth below a mountain, but let her and her kids live, as a "challenge" to (a.k.a. 'fuck with') future heroes. She apparently also had a few kids with Zeus. Haaaaa-aay!

She was immortal and ageless, but she was killed while sleeping by Argus Panopes, the hundred eyed giant. He sounds like he should have been a wrestler. Times were tough back then.

Echidne Of The Snakes is a blogger who recently wrote this article about the newest series of retarded blabbery spewed forth from the lips of William Donohue. She better watch it or he might say something inflammatory about her and bring her site thousands of hits and legions of new fans. Careful, girl!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Comedy TONIGHT:

Join me as I wow the shit out of a couple of handfuls of strangers in this evening's event, "Check Your Cool". It's easy, fun, and apparently...cool...

From Jiwon, Claudia and John F:

Hey The Public,

CHECK YOUR COOL, the Comedy Show with Gusto, is Tonight at 8pm! It's gonna be FUNNY like a FOX! Come to it...

As always, you get the three hotties: Jiwon, Claudia, and John F.!

plus, this week's special guests:

Jessica Delfino (My Pussy is Magic)
Eric Andre (HBO Aspen Comedy Fest)
Dan Curry (www.danfuckingcurry.com)

This one is gonna be a BARN BURNER....barns are going to BURN!!!!!!

RSVP to parksideloungecomedy@gmail.com and get a free game of Ms. Pac Man!

CHECK YOUR COOL
@ The Parkside Lounge
317 East Houston, corner of Attorney St (1 block East of Clinton,
south side of the block, take the F to 2nd Ave. and Houston, walk 3
blocks East)
Tuesday February 13th
8:00 PM
No cover, two-drink minimum (don't forget $3 Pabst Blue Ribbon!)

Oh did you forget? RSVP to parksideloungecomedy@gmail.com and get a
free game of Ms. Pac Man!

www.checkyourcool.com

Friday, February 9, 2007

Awesome!

The best work out ever!
TONIGHT: LITTLE BUILDING OPENS AGAIN!

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!
February 9, 10, 11, 16, 17, & 18. . .

Little Building:
a musical melodrama

directed by Nick Jones
with book and lyrics by Nick Jones
music by Benjamin Ickies

"breathtakingly ridiculous" *-Nonsense NYC*

"Finally, a modern love story which truly reflects
the city in which we live. . ." *-Village Voice*

"Brilliant. . . the songs rock, the jokes spark and
you actually believe that these buildings are alive."
Murphguide.com

As featured in the *NY Observer, Gawker *and* the NY Times!*

Story in the New York Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/10/nyregion/thecity/10musi.html

Review on Murphguide.com:

http://www.murphguide.com/andthenwhathappened/nov2006/17.htm

THE FIRST ENGAGEMENT WAS COMPLETELY SOLD OUT
RESERVE TICKETS NOW!
http://www.smarttix.com/show.aspx?showcode=LIT6%0D

Nick Jones, playwright, puppeteer, and licensed real estate agent, melds his
interests in this musical featuring singing real estate. Music provided by
Benjamin Ickies of the Ambitous Orchestra. See downloadable photos!!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/petname/tags/littlebuilding/

Ralph is a man trying to develop land in New York's
hottest outlying neighborhood - Alaska. He begins a metaphysical love
affair with a talking building, and together they attempt to create a
Newer York City for the Arctic.

A bizarre and heartbreaking melodrama, in perfect proportion to the city we
live in.

February 9, 10, 11, 16, 17, & 18. . .
@ 7:30pm (doors at 7 PM)
$15 (advance tickets strongly recommended)
www.smarttix.com

Galapagos Art Space http://thewhizbang.org/%28http://galapagosartspace.com%20%29
70 North 6th Street (at Wythe St.)
Brooklyn, NY
11211

with Corey Sullivan
Tamar Schoenberg
Jessica Delfino
Katie McClenahan
Mark Sam Rosenthal
Peter J. Cook
Jarret Berenstein
& Jason Quarles

Costume design by Sarah Stansbury
Set design by Jane Parrott
Light design by Ku'uipo Curry
Sound design by Dan Kutcher
Choreography by Emily Reutlinger
Additional design by Annie Reichert

Originally performed as part of the EVOLVE theater
series at Galapagos.

*Nick Jones* is a playwright, director, puppet
designer, and licensed real estate agent. His work has been performed at
chashama ("Canada's Mid-Riff") the Bowery Poetry Club ("Sleepless Fishes" and
"Crabquistador: Scavenger of God") as well as the Portland Institute of
Contemporary Art's TBA Festival, the Dublin Fringe Festival (first runner up, "Most
Entertaining"), Ars Nova, the Brick Theater, The Kitchen, and P.S. 122. He is
a founding member and artistic director of Jollyship the Whiz-Bang, which
is (alternately or simultaneously) a puppet troupe, band, and theater
production company. He has been an artist-in-residence at Galapagos, the
Bowery Poetry Club, and at the Hoontown Puppet Festival in Bangkok, and is a
member of the Ars Nova Play Group. As a puppet designer, he has created
work for the Allstars Youth Project (2/05) The Castillo Theater (3/05), for the
2004 Dream Parade in Taiwan. He was born and raised in Anchorage, Alaska
and graduated in 2001 from Bard College.

JOLLYSHIP IS NOT DEAD!!

Jollyship the Whiz-Bang recently was awarded a grant
from the Jim Henson Foundation for development of their insect related
puppet show "The Colonists!"

Jollyship the Whiz-Bang will team up with the Boston
League of Women's Wrestlers for a Nautically Themed Wrestling Event at
Galapagos on March 10th

Jollyship the Whiz-Bang will be restaging their rock
opera "Crabquistador: Scavenger of God" at Ars Nova, starting March 13th
and 20th.

Jollyship the Whiz-Bang's Nick Jones will be
restaging his musical "Little Building" at Galapagos Art Space February 9,10,11,
16,17 & 18th.

New EP "Curse of the Ancient Legend"
http://cdbaby.com/cd/jollyship2
available now!!

Jollyship the Whiz-Bang
Pyrate Puppet Rock Opera Consortium
http://thewhizbang.org
http://myspace.com/jollyshipthewhizbang